Thursday, 10 May 2012

That Establishment-Approved Avengers Sequel In Full

I'm not going to bother photoshopping the poster, but I'm pretty sure all you'd need to do is push the Hulk's hairline backwards and he'd already be a dead ringer.

These are dark days for the United Kingdom. Somewhat unfeasibly, the government is managing to be so incompetent, insular, cronyish and downright unlikeable as to be genuinely threatened by LOKI, (ED MILIBAND) a snivelling dweeb still harbouring obvious resentment issues against his own more charismatic and popular brother.

Thankfully for us all, a COALITION has assembled to face exactly this sort of threat, an alliance of heroes from all walks of life united by their DESIRE FOR PERSONAL GAIN.

At its head, once an ordinary human being like the rest of us, then given superhuman powers and the right to rule by an ETON EDUCATION, a man whose attempts to lead are constantly stymied by the fact that he's a character from a bygone age who clearly doesn't understand modern life, is CAPTAIN AMERICA (DAVID CAMERON).

With him is a sheepish, mild-mannered fellow whose occasional tendencies to go berserk with anger and begin attacking institutions that are meant to be on the COALITION'S side, such as BIG BUSINESS and RUPERT MURDOCH, mean that his so-called comrades have to spend most of their time restraining him, although they keep him around anyway for unspecified reasons (VINCE CABLE).

Also zipping around the place is an obscenely rich, laissez-faire playboy, coming from a background of privilege and following in his father's footsteps, who despite the many disagreeable things about him and his obvious personality clash with DAVID, seems to be wearing some sort of BULLET-PROOF SUIT (BORIS JOHNSON).

Then, of course, there's a BRAINWASHED STOOGE (JEREMY HUNT), one of the world's deadliest red-headed CHARACTER ASSASSINS (REBEKAH BROOKES) who works alongside the team despite the fact that she probably shouldn't be, a bizarre, aristocratic otherworldly being (GIDEON OSBORNE), and a MEWLING QUIM (NICK CLEGG.)

In the first half of the film, the AVENGERS are meant to be helping the country and rescuing the economy; instead, they bicker pointlessly and attack one another. VINCE starts chasing REBEKAH around, the DAILY TELEGRAPH, in between endlessly savaging the notion of gay marriage for the benefit of whatever CATHOLIC BISHOP is cearly on their pay-roll, writes a sea of articles praising BORIS in comparison to DAVID. Meanwhile, GIDEON decides to solve the problems of the recession by hitting the economy with a big HAMMER, and NICK continues to be a MEWLING QUIM.

Eventually the loveable agent COULSON (played by himself), loyal to DAVID to the very end, is caught in the crossfire, while the economy is rapidly collapsing, releasing a sea of identically-dressed CHITAURI (SKRULL for '1-PERCENTER'), who despite their hi-tech SMARTPHONES, fanatical fury and warlike attitude, turn out to be A BIT RUBBISH, as well as not really under ED's control despite his best efforts. It's up to unelected, hardass government operative NICK FURY (HRH QUEEN ELIZABETH II) to act. With a SPEECH.

There was an idea. That we could gather together a coalition of remarkable people - that when we needed them, they'd fight the battles we could not.
Which is why we're pushing through all these really important measures to help fix Britain, such as letting you guys place surveillance on Skype. And I bet the public will feel really uncynical about and engaged with these Lords reform proposals!

The AVENGERS vow that they will stand together from now and work towards a better UNITED KINGDOM. This DOESN'T HAPPEN, but ED is so rubbish that he can't really beat them, either.

After the end credits, in the vacuum of space, THANOS, a figure possessed of apparently limitless tactical ability, intelligence and power (ALEX SALMOND), turns to the camera and GRINS.

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